A Christmas Carol on Riker's Island
by Kait
Summary: The characters of Law & Order (circa 1996) are in a play- Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol". Scrooge is played by Adam Schiff, of course! This is a very silly story...YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!


This fic was written around Christmas of 1996 by my sister and I (we were 15 and 18 at the time). It's a silly story about how the characters of Law & Order are in Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol (god only knows why!). There are a lot of obscure references to L&O which you may or may not pick up on...and then some things that were mentioned just once are totally played on (Van Buren mentioned ET in one ep; Mike Logan and the gecko...we made it into his pet). Oh yeah, and Mike Logan gets the worst parts here but he does have a happy ending!   
  
WARNING: This story is a whole lot of silliness...if you can't handle that, then don't read it!  


  


  
  
A Christmas Carol on Riker's Island by Kait and Eliza  
**  
***Directed by EADA Benjamin Stone***  
  
  
Starring:  
  
Scrooge: DA Adam Schiff  
Bob Cratchit: EADA Jack McCoy  
Mrs. Cratchit: Lieutenant Anita Van Buren  
Tiny Tim: Detective Lennie Briscoe  
Ghost of Christmases Past: Police Psychiatrist Elizabeth Olivet  
Ghost of Christmas Present: ADA Jamie Ross  
Ghost of Christmases Yet To Come: ADA Claire Kincaid  
Jacob Marley: Captain Donald Cragen  
Fizzywig: Detective Mike Logan  
Christmas Turkey: Detective Mike Logan  
  
  
  
  
  
SCENE 1: BACKSTAGE  
  
**How am I supposed to be some sort of antiChrist when I don't even believe in God? Assistant District Attorney Claire Kincaid said irritably to Detective Lennie Briscoe.  
  
You think you got problems, kid, I'm supposed to be Tiny Tim! Look at me, do I look tiny to you? Briscoe grabbed a handful of his enormous stomach.   
  
And I have to be a turkey, Detective Mike Logan said sadly. Then he brightened. Oh, well, at least I have Binky to cheer me up! Logan produced a tiny speckled lizard from his pocket and kissed it.   
  
You jerk, what the hell is that?! exclaimed Assistant District Attorney Jamie Ross.  
  
This is Binky, Logan said defensively. My pet lizard.  
  
Claire Kincaid raised her eyebrows. Briscoe looked mildly amused. Jamie Ross smacked him with her purse. You are so lame! she said.  
  
Just then who rounded the side of the curtain but Police Psychiatrist Elizabeth Olivet. What have we here? she asked, clasping her hands.  
  
This delusional freak has a pet lizard. Jamie Ross snapped.  
  
Elizabeth Olivet nodded. A transitional device, she said. Jamie, you must realize such an important psychological entity is not to be criticized.  
  
Oh, shut up, you sanctimonious jerk! Jamie Ross snarled and shoved Elizabeth Olivet, who went flying into a piece of scenery and knocked it over.  
  
cried Executive Assistant District Attorney Benjamin Stone. Dear, I'm having enough trouble as it is directing this play without scenery being destroyed!  
  
Elizabeth Olivet got up and dusted herself off. Don't get stressed out, Benjamin my friend, I'll help you! She linked her arm in Ben's and walked off.   
  
Who the hell assigned us to these stupid parts? asked Briscoe.  
  
Well it certainly wasn't me, complained Logan.  
  
It was Ben, said Claire Kincaid.  
  
Let's kill him! declared Jamie Ross.  
  
But before she could take action, Benjamin Stone called, Curtain goes up in five minutes. Now, remember everyone, he said seriously, I want this play to be a work of art.   
  
Jamie burst out laughing. Hey get a life, bible boy, this play is a mess already and it hasn't even started yet! God, are you stupid! She gave District Attorney Adam Schiff a high five.   
  
Atta girl, he said.   
  
Benjamin cleared his throat. O.K, there are some things we need to work on. Briscoe, stop eating the world. You're Tiny Tim. He's a little boy with a crutch, alright? Briscoe looked rather insulted, but he put down the triple layer chocolate cake.   
  
Benjamin turned to Claire Kincaid. Claire, dear, I know you don't care much for Adam Schiff-   
  
I HATE Adam Schiff! Claire yelled.   
  
Benjamin continued, -but please, dear, do stop saying You'll burn in hell for your sins!' during your scenes, okay? he pleaded. Claire shrugged.  
  
He turned to Jamie Ross. And Jamie, please stop assaulting everyone. Jamie sneered at him.  
  
Just then Lieutenant Anita Van Buren sprang to life. Hey, let's get this show on the road! I just remembered E.T' is on tonight! she said joyously. Her life had new meaning.  
  
What an aggravating waste of time, Claire Kincaid muttered to Executive Assistant District Attorney Jack McCoy, who was dressed in the Bob Cratchit rag of a costume.  
  
Don't worry, you'll do fine, Claire, said Jack, smiling. We went over your lines two million gazillion times, Claire.   
  
Jack turned to Mike Logan and asked him, So Mike, do you know your lines? he asked.  
  
Logan glared at him. Of course, he said darkly. All they are is Gobble, gobble, gobble'.   
  
Hurry, hurry, everyone, curtain goes up is one minute! called Benjamin Stone as he ushered the unlikely cast offstage.  
  
**  
SCENE 2:** **SCROOGE BLOWS OFF BOB CRATCHIT  
**   
Bob Cratchit sat at his wooden desk with a quill and an oil lamp, working on a case. Scrooge came over and rapped him on the head. Get to work, you lazy sloth! he snapped.  
  
But Scrooge, I'm trying! Bob protested. My oil lamp is practically burnt out! I can hardly read these legal precedents!   
  
Well, what do you expect from something I got at Bernie's Bargain Basement! That oil lamp will last you for decades! Scrooge said. It promptly burnt out. Even though it was bleeding obvious that poor Bob Cratchit could not see without the Bernie's Bargain Basement lamp, Scrooge dumped a stack of more legal precedents in front of his nose anyway.  
  
Please, Mr. Scrooge, Bob began meekly, I know this office has a lot of cases to finish, but I'm begging you sir, please let me have half a day off so I can spend Christmas with my family. I have a little boy who is very sick...   
  
There's nothing wrong with your boy that a few weeks at Jenny Craig wouldn't fix! Scrooge snapped irritably.   
  
...and, my wife, dear Mrs. Cratchit, has a tradition of watching E.T.' every Christmas with Tiny Tim and I. I'd hate to disappoint her! Bob pleaded.   
  
Scrooge looked at Bob Cratchit suspiciously. Isn't it a Cratchit family tradition to watch E.T' every Easter as well? And Valentine's Day? And St. Patrick's Day, and Independence Day, Rosh Hashanah, Chinese New Year, May Day, Thanksgiving, Father's Day, Mother's Day, All Saints Day, Hanukkah, Martin Luther King Day, Canada Day, Labor Day, National Stop--Smoking Day, Arbor Day, and Remembrance Day? Plus Tuesday nights at 7:30 and every weekday morning at 10? Scrooge asked, glaring.   
  
Well, yes, said Bob reluctantly.   
  
Just then, the door opened. Oh, no, Binky got snow on her! wailed a voice.   
  
Scrooge was incredibly annoyed. What are you doing here, Fred? he snapped. Are you on your way to the vet's or something?  
  
Hi, Uncle Scrooge, Fred/Mike Logan chirped. He made his voice go high and squeaky. Hi, Uncle! he said, holding Binky up to Scrooge's nose.You got any cockroaches around?   
  
Get away, Scrooge said in disgust.  
  
But, Uncle, Fred said in earnest, I was going to invite you to a Christmas dinner at my place!   
  
Scrooge yelled. Go away, Fred! You are too cheerful to live, and besides, you always overcook the cranberry sauce! And with that, Scrooge picked up Fred and tossed him out the door. He slammed the door and turned to Bob Cratchit. And guess what? You are NOT getting any time off to watch alien movies with your obsessed wife and 100-pounds-overweight son!   
  
But, Scrooge- Bob began. The door slammed shut as Scrooge left Cratchit to work in the dark. Bob sighed and went to put some more coal in the fire.  
  
**  
SCENE 3: E.T. PHONE HOME  
**   
Bob Cratchit entered his tiny shack of a house and took off his paper--thin coat. Hello, dear, he called wearily to his wife. Bob! It's you! called Mrs. Cratchit from the living room couch. Why, I thought you'd been beamed up by E.T.!   
  
No such luck, said Bob Cratchit sadly. How's our poor sickly son today?   
  
Mrs. Cratchit said, He's refused to eat, poor thing!  
  
Just then, Tiny Tim walked by stuffing his face with an enormous bag of Cheetos. Hi, Dad, you wild and crazy guy! Ow! he yelled as his crutch splintered beneath him.   
  
That's the third time today, boy! hollered Mrs. Cratchit. Now everybody pipe down! This is the good part! (That consisted of the entire movie.)   
  
While I'm down here, could you pass me a Twinkie, Dad? Briscoe asked Jack McCoy. Bob Cratchit sighed and handed him the package. Just then the phone rang.   
  
That better be E.T! Mrs. Cratchit threatened no one in particular.  
  
Bob Cratchit answered it. Hello, Cratchit residence. Bob speaking. he said. Oh, Claire! he exclaimed. I'm so glad you called me, Claire! What, you want me to meet you? At 2am? Okay, bye Claire! I love you, Claire! Bob Cratchit hung up the phone.  
  
Who was that? asked Mrs Cratchit.   
  
Um, no one. Just the Ghost of Christmases Yet To Come. Bob replied quickly.   
  
E.T. phone home! yelled Mrs Cratchit.   
  
Another Twinkie, Dad? asked Tiny Tim.  
  
  
**SCENE 4: A FIGMENT OF A TUNAFISH SANDWICH  
  
** Benjamin Stone whispered, If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times! Scrooge has gruel in this scene!   
  
Well I like tunafish, so you'll have to rewrite the script, said Adam Schiff irritably. And while you're at it, write in a TV. While I'm sitting there in this ridiculous striped nightcap, I want to be able to watch The Three Stooges.   
  
Adam, you're making this very difficult! protested Benjamin. Just then, a look of agony came over his face. Okay, you got your tunafish, you got your Three Stooges, he gasped, writhing in pain. Jamie Ross unclenched her teeth from his arm.   
  
Jamie smiled sweetly at Adam, and lit his candle. Break a leg, Mr. Schiff, she said.  
  
Thank you, Miss Ross. A compliment from a fine young assistant DA/defense attorney such as yourself can make an old's man day. he nodded to Jamie and walked onstage. (In the background, Benjamin Stone was wailing to Elizabeth Olivet, Look at my arm, Liz! who said, Ben. Get the peroxide. She might have rabies.)  
  
Scrooge walked upstairs and got in bed, munching on his tuna fish sandwich, and flipped on The Three Stooges. Just then the TV went off. I knew I should have paid my cable yesterday! he yelled. Just then a cold blast of wind blew out his candle. He was really steamed by this point. Just then this bald headed man in chains appeared. Jacob Marley loomed over Scrooge. Scrooge was overcome with shock. D-Donnie boy? he gasped.  
  
Donald Cragen put his head in his hands. No, no, no, I'm Jacob Marley, and I've come to give you a warning, you idiot!  
  
Oh, just go away, said Scrooge, pulling his blanket over his head.   
  
Jacob yanked Scrooge's blanket off him. Scrooge fell right out of bed. Look here, you fool! See my chains? Well, they're because I was a greedy, selfish-  
  
Don't be so hard on yourself, Jacob, Scrooge said with a shrug. Bob Cratchit is a lousy employee. He didn't deserve any lunch breaks, all he did during them was sneak home to watch   
  
Scrooge, you are so DENSE! Jacob exploded. What your saying is wrong, wrong, wrong! If you don't stop your selfish ways, you are doomed to wander the Earth in chains for all of eternity, like me!   
  
Wander the Earth? You mean, for free? Scrooge asked greedily.  
  
Jacob ignored him. Tonight, you will be visited by three spirits- A goody two shoes police psychiatrist, an incredibly dangerous and violent lawyer, and a naive, sardonic, nymphomaniacal lawyer. He began to fade. Good luck, Scrooge, he said solemnly, Especially with that second ghost... he disappeared.   
  
Hey- my cable- Scrooge started, but Jacob was gone. Scrooge frowned. Too much gin, he said and dropped off to sleep.  
  
  
**SCENE 5: ANIMATED BUTTERFLIES**  
  
Elizabeth Olivet straightened her Ghost of Christmases Past gown, and pinned up one last ringlet in her hair as she called to Mike Logan, Remember the butterflies!   
  
Anything for you, Liz, said Mike Logan as he set up the animation machine.   
  
Oh, may I rub Binky for good luck? asked Elizabeth. said Logan. Elizabeth rubbed Binky on the head.   
  
Logan smiled. Break a leg, Liz, he said.   
  
said Jamie Ross.   
  
Elizabeth Olivet pranced onstage. Oh Scrooge, Scrooge! Wake up, my dear! she called.  
  
Adam Schiff sat up groggily, Wha- what- who? he asked. Oh God, no. he said.   
  
said Olivet. I am The Ghost of Christmases Past. I'm here to remind you of all things good in your past life...  
  
WHEN YOU WEREN'T A NASTY AND EGOTISTICAL JERK! screeched a voice from offstage. cried Benjamin. Hush, dear!   
  
...when you were as happy as the morning sunshine...  
  
BUT MUCH MORE DIM! Ow! Damn! (Jamie Ross hit Claire Kincaid with Tiny Tim's splintered crutch.)  
  
Elizabeth Olivet continued, ...like these butterflies! There was a pause. Like these butterflies. she repeated. Just then, a flurry of animated butterflies descended. The Ghost of Christmases Yet To Come caught one on her finger and offered it to Scrooge.  
  
He crushed it. Olivet's face fell momentarily, then she took his hand and said, Come! Take a trip into the past!  
  
They jumped out the cardboard window and ran around the stage, pretending to fly. The Ghost of Christmases Past took a graceful leap. Scrooge did a belly-flop. he grumbled.  
  
Here we are! exclaimed the Past Ghost.   
  
Just then, appeared the joyous scene of Scrooge, Belle (Binky) and Fizzywig (Mike Logan) dancing merrily and drinking vodka and aftershave. What a great party, Fizzywig! Scrooge was saying. Thanks, I'm having a jolly good time myself! Fizzywig slurred. Care to dance, Ebenezer? Belle asked. Scrooge took her paw and they waltzed.   
  
Scrooge's eyes got misty. he cried, I loved her! And there's my dear friend Fizzywig! But, why is he wearing a turkey suit?  
  
No matter, dear, Elizabeth said. Have you seen enough?  
  
Yes, please take me away! begged Scrooge, who was haunted by the memory of his long gone happy times. All right, Scrooge, said Elizabeth, But remember, you will be visited by two more spirits. She took his hands and danced him away, back to his bedroom.   
  
Scrooge got back into bed. Now I know you may experience a bout of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but don't worry, that's to be expected. Here, take some Prozac. said the Past Ghost. Scrooge complied, and Elizabeth stepped back, blowing him a raspberry. Goodnight, Ebenezer! she called, and danced away. Scrooge grumbled a farewell and fell back asleep.  
  
  
**SCENE 6: NO MERCY  
  
**Scrooge! Wake up! demanded Jamie Ross as she shook Adam Schiff awake.  
  
What do you want? Scrooge asked irritably, rubbing his eyes. Let me guess. Another raise?  
  
No, no, no. said Jamie Ross smoothly. I am the Ghost of Christmas Present, and I have come here to congratulate you on a job well done!   
  
Hear that Jacob?! Somebody up there likes me! Scrooge yelled at the ceiling.   
  
He turned around to see Jamie Ross cleaning out his jewellery box. Ghost, what in the samhill are you doing? he asked.  
  
I'm a single mom, you understand, Jamie said as she dumped the box's contents into her purse. Now come with me. We're going to see that moron Cratchit and his dysfunctional family! She grabbed Scrooge by the arm and pulled him out the window.   
  
Where are we? asked Scrooge in confusion. Bernie's Bargain Basement? This place is a wreck!   
  
It's a dump! Jamie concurred. But, it belongs to Bob Cratchit, so gives a damn?  
  
They peered in the windows to see the three Cratchits lounging on their sagging, 70's style couch, watching E.T. Tiny Tim was stuffing himself with Hansel and Gretel brand popcorn. Their tree sat in the corner. It was a pathetic twig with one ornament (which was broken).  
  
Cratchit looks depressed, Scrooge observed.  
  
Jamie punched him in the arm. Scrooge! What's gotten into you? Are you getting soft on me? she demanded. Listen, that's Cratchit, and he doesn't deserve better! You're a righteous man and you deserve the hardest work from your employees! Anyway, if you give him cash, he'll spend it on potato chips for that little tub of a kid, and if you give him time off he'll watch E.T with that freak! Sir, you deserve the best! Forget humanity!  
  
I see it now, Ghost! You are absolutely right! said Scrooge. They high fived.  
  
Inside the Cratchit shack, Mrs. Cratchit was yelling at Tiny Tim. Hey, boy, if you weren't so crippled, you could learn to ride a bike like E.T!  
  
Dear, why do you have to always compare him to E.T? Bob asked wearily.  
  
Hey, can it, Bob! If you made more money, you could buy us all bikes! Mrs. Cratchit said.   
  
Hey Dad, can we afford a turkey this year? Tiny Tim asked.  
  
I'm afraid not, son, Bob said, forcing a smile, We'll just have to make do with canned Spaghetti-Os.   
  
But we don't even have a can opener, said Tiny Tim.   
  
Well...I'll use my teeth, Bob said.  
  
Pathetic, isn't it? Jamie sneered. Come on, Scrooge. Let's go. She took his arm and they left, Scrooge looking back at the Cratchit's one last time.   
Scrooge climbed back into his bed, and Jamie tucked him in. Remember, Scrooge, you only have to look out for number one, and your favorite assistant, too. She smiled at him and promptly disappeared.  
  
  
**SCENE 7: HOW TO MAKE YOUR BOSS FAINT  
  
**Benjamin Stone handed Claire Kincaid her Grim Reaper sickle. How sharp is this? she asked.  
  
Don't try anything, dear. said Benjamin Stone.  
  
Claire shrugged and loped onstage. She stood beside Scrooge's bed and pinched his nostrils shut. Scrooge snorted and woke up. I am the Ghost of Christmases Yet To Come, said Claire Kincaid monotonously. I am here to warn you that this is the future. She pointed to a gravestone.   
  
asked Scrooge, aghast.  
  
I wish, said Claire Kincaid. It's Tiny Tim's. He's dead at age eight--of a major coronary. Too bad his parents never had the money to enrol him in Jenny Craig.   
  
Too bad subtlety was never one of your finer points, Miss Yet-To-Come, Scrooge grumbled. So what do you want me to do?   
  
Sacrifice yourself. said Claire Kincaid. She poised her sickle. Wait, that won't be necessary. Look over there! Claire smirked as she pointed to another gravestone.   
  
Ebenezer Scrooge: One word: HUMBUG! Scrooge read in disbelief. Claire Kincaid nodded in approval.   
  
Just then, there was a clattering sound from the closet. said a familiar voice. Claire Kincaid went over and opened the closet. Out walked Jamie Ross, her purse stuffed with gold, jewellery, and money.   
  
Don't come any closer, I'm armed, said Claire, backing away. Of course, I won't harm you if you give me a string of pearls.   
  
You don't scare me. sneered Jamie Ross. She lunged at the Ghost of Christmases Yet To Come and pulled off her hood.  
  
objected Claire. You're ruining my scene! Jamie Ross narrowed her eyes.  
  
Well if it isn't Claire Kincaid! Aren't you the twit who's been sleeping with Bob Cratchit?! she demanded.  
  
So what? countered Claire. Is it a felony to sleep with your colleague?  
  
Just then, there was a loud thump on the wooden floor. Scrooge had fainted dead away. Look what you've done to poor Scrooge! yelled Jamie Ross.   
  
cried Claire Kincaid.  
  
Elizabeth Olivet ran out onstage. What, what's the matter? she asked.   
  
Adam fainted! DO SOMETHING! Jamie yelled at Elizabeth.  
  
Okay, okay, said Elizabeth. She checked his pulse. He's still alive, she said, nodding. She took out her stethescope and listened to his chest.  
  
Just then Scrooge stirred and came to. Get your grubby paws off me, Dr. Olivet! Scrooge snapped irritably as he sat up, slapping at Elizabeth Olivet's hands.   
  
Elizabeth got to her feet. Patient appears to be back to normal. She curtsied and gracefully exited the stage.   
  
Scrooge held his bruised head and looked dazed. Now where were we? asked Jamie. Oh, yeah. You little tramp! she yelled, yanking the sickle from Claire's hand. Claire took off running in circles around the stage.  
  
Claire Kincaid shrieked.  
  
Benjamin Stone hurried onstage. Oh, no. he said. Jamie, listen. Put that thing down! Jamie Ross plowed right over him.   
  
Just then the doorbell rang and in walked Bob Cratchit. screeched Claire. Help me!  
  
  
What's wrong, Claire? asked Jack, smiling.  
  
Jamie found out about our affair and now she wants to kill me! Claire cried.   
  
Damn straight! yelled Jamie.  
  
Claire ran to Jack and hid behind him. Jamie barrelled towards them and swung the sickle. Jack and Claire ducked, and Jamie narrowly missed cutting off both their heads.   
  
Of all the nonsense! yelled Adam Schiff. Miss Ross, give me the sickle. Jamie Ross sighed and handed over the weapon. And as for you two, thundered Adam Schiff, pointing at Jack McCoy and Claire Kincaid, You'll both be dancing in front of the disciplinary committee first thing Monday morning!   
  
Benjamin Stone came too. he called weakly. The red velvet curtain dropped in front of the hostile and injured cast members.  
  
  
**SCENE 8: A KNIGHT IN A SHINING TURKEY COSTUME  
  
**Benjamin Stone paced backstage, holding an ice pack to his head. Jamie Ross sat in the corner, sulking, occasionally sticking out her foot to trip people. Jack McCoy and Claire Kincaid were sitting on the leather couch, whispering to each other and glancing furtively over at Adam Schiff. Mike Logan was making Binky hop along Elizabeth Olivet's arm.   
  
We have one last scene to do, folks, said Benjamin Stone wearily. Please, please, everyone, just say your lines and do what you're supposed to do. Okay, places, everyone.   
  
Scrooge woke up. He was alone. he yelled, No more ghosts! He sprang out of bed and threw open his shutter. It closed on his finger. he yelled. Just then a very large child with a broken crutch in one hand and a donut in the other walked by. Hey, you kid! Tiny Tim, whoever you are!  
  
Tiny Tim looked up. Hey, you're that cheapskate Dad knows! he exclaimed.  
  
Don't get fresh with me, sonny! snapped Scrooge. Listen, I saw how pathetic your life is, kid, and I'm gonna give you a break. I want you to go down to the corner shoppe and buy the biggest turkey there! I'll give you a shilling! He hurled down a bag of coins. Tiny Tim shrugged, picked up the bag, and went to the corner store. That proves it. I'm the greatest man alive. I like this feeling! decided Scrooge aloud. He put on his coat and set off for the Cratchit's, giggling in anticipation.  
  
Tiny Tim went into the store and opened the freezer.  
  
Get me out of here! I have frostbite! said Mike Logan, his teeth chattering.  
  
What a nice turkey! said Briscoe loudly. He reached in and pulled out Mike Logan, throwing him over his shoulder. He carried the turkey out of the store and to the Cratchit house.   
  
When Scrooge arrived, Tiny Tim was just stumbling through the door, dragging the turkey behind him.  
  
What's this, son? Bob Cratchit asked pleasantly.  
  
Our boy's turned to shoplifting, Bob! Quick, what would E.T. do? yelled Mrs. Cratchit.  
  
Just then, Scrooge came forward. No, you fool, I bought it! he said.   
  
Mr. Scrooge! What are you doing here? said Bob Cratchit uncomfortably.   
  
I came to give you a partnership, you sitting duck! snapped Scrooge. 50% of the profits! Now sign this before I change my mind!  
  
Quickly, Bob Cratchit scrawled his name on the paper Scrooge presented. Uh, why are being so charitable? asked Bob.   
  
Oh, I don't know. said Scrooge airily. Maybe because you are such a loyal employee, so honest and up front, that you'd never dream of pulling the wool over my eyes and doing something completely unethical like having an affair with your assistant!   
  
Bob Cratchit looked hideously uncomfortable, but tried to smile. Why thank--you Scrooge, that's very kind. he mumbled.   
  
Hey, you brought me toys, too! Eureka! The mother load! exclaimed Tiny Tim. Uh, SuperGrowHair Barbie, I can really use this or something, he said, tossing it aside. Just then there was a knock at the door.  
  
Open that, cripple boy! yelled Mrs. Cratchit. Tiny Tim wrinkled his furry eyebrows and went over to the door. he cried. Come in and have some turkey and watch   
  
The three Ghosts and Jacob Marley, who were doubling as townspeople, entered the house. The only one singing was the Ghost of Christmases Past- Joy To The World.   
  
I don't believe my eyes, boy, hollered Mrs. Cratchit, tearing her eyes from the TV screen. But your turkey just up and left!   
  
Get back here, Mike! yelled Tiny Tim. He chased the turkey around the Cratchit couch, spilling Mrs. Cratchit's diet Shasta. He finally caught Logan by the collar and threw him down behind the couch. What the hell are you doing, Mike, you turkey? asked Briscoe. He started laughing at the pun.   
  
Mike Logan sighed. It's Liz, he said miserably. How can I let her see me like this, in this ridiculous turkey costume?   
  
Don't worry, I wore a bear suit for my daughters when they were kids one Halloween. Before I became a raging alcoholic. offered Briscoe.   
  
Thanks, I feel much better now, said Logan sarcastically.   
  
Mrs. Cratchit, who was eavesdropping, exclaimed, Face your fear, boy! as she picked up Logan by the arm and hurled him at Elizabeth Olivet's feet.   
  
Elizabeth looked down at Logan and smiled. Why Detective, how handsome you look wearing that festive turkey costume! she exclaimed.   
  
You mean, you don't think I'm a complete fool? asked Logan in absolute shock.  
  
How could I ever think that about you? Michael, you're my knight in a shining turkey costume! Olivet gracefully leaned down and kissed Mike Logan.   
  
screeched Jamie Ross. THAT'S DISGUSTING! She pretended to choke herself.   
  
Mike Logan got on one knee. Elizabeth, will you marry me? he asked.  
  
Of course. declared Elizabeth Olivet. It'll be you, me, and Binky...forever!  
  
Great, another affair! This one in the NYPD! Humbug! yelled Scrooge.  
  
Let's eat! said Jamie Ross, withdrawing an enormous carving knife from the kitchen drawer. She advanced towards Mike Logan.  
  
About to pop a blood vessel, Benjamin Stone began drawing the curtain.  
  
Briscoe ran to the front of the stage. God bless us, everyone! he yelled.  
  
  
**SCENE 9: BACKSTAGE PART II  
  
**Benjamin Stone was popping Tylenols like candy, even though he was normally too pious for that sort of activity. I have the worst headache. he moaned. It was the cast party, on Riker's Island. The detectives were eating pizza and the lawyers were eating Chinese food. That was awful! wailed Benjamin Stone. It was violent, and rude, and since when does the Ghost of Christmas Present try to kill the Ghost of Christmases Yet To Come?! Since when does the Christmas Turkey propose to the Ghost of Christmases Past?! Since when does Mrs. Cratchit watch E.T.'?! And since when does the Cratchit family have modern technological means?! Charles Dickens would turn over in his grave!   
  
It wasn't so bad, Ben, said Jack McCoy, trying to reassure his fellow EADA.   
  
What are you talking about, Jack? Claire interjected. Mr. Schiff found out about our affair! We're about to be disbarred!   
  
I wouldn't waste my time. Adam Schiff snapped.   
  
Miss Kincaid, you can take a cruise, you can plant a garden, I couldn't care less! Same with you, Jack. I'm an old man! Don't bother me anymore.   
  
Jamie Ross looked disappointed.  
  
Elizabeth Olivet raised her glass. I propose a toast, she began solemnly.   
  
You say To love' and you kick it! warned Jamie Ross.   
  
Olivet looked hurt, and continued, Too what Jamie said, and to this play! Merry Christmas, everyone! she said with a flourish.  
  
Well, having my teeth pulled was worse. acknowledged Adam Schiff.   
  
The detectives and lawyers clinked their glasses.  
  
  
  
THE END.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**   
**


End file.
